Originally Published in the Sept. 17th Issue of The Manitoban.

Now on the Manitoban site: here 

Fried Brains and Sam:

Notes from Purgatories Hardest Working Chump.

As transmitted through Corey King

“It was just another day at God's grand conveyor belt. Forms to fill out, people to fry.

'You know you're dead right?' I asked a 58 year old grade school teacher. Her name is not important, like pigs on a farm it's best to ignore their names. One can't get attached in this business.

She nodded that she knew she was dead.

'Okay' I sputtered. 'Any thoughts before your judgment? Try to get a few good points in with the big one before I have to push this big red button?'

She shook her head no.

Just before I pushed the big red button I noticed she held in her arms a portrait of herself when she was in grade school. Goofy looking kid. Anyway... I can't know what that meant. How can anyone know such things? I scarcely believe God knows, because if he did why would he need me to make notes? It's not worth thinking about. I had a quota to make so I pressed the button.

She didn't fuss. Most people fuss and make a senseless racket, which does nothing but make my day tougher. For her it was good. I think she'd had enough. I pushed the button and the light hanging from the ceiling-less void went out, her body vanished.

I think she went to a better place. But who can say? Maybe she abused her students. Regardless, there wasn't much time to think about it there was a long line today. A whole lot of dying going on.

The more they breed the more they die. They don't care, it's not their job to sort it all out.

I flipped a light switch, creating a groaning which usually came with the conveyor belt dragged another person along for final inspection. The 12 watt light above his head flipped on bringing him back to life for his final interview.

His name was John Doe. His parents must have had a lack of creativity or a sense of humor. I suspect Mr. Doe lacked both. Nothing about him was of note other then his silly name. That's why I made note of it. Lord knows I have to note something.

'Any final words?'

'I need to take a shit,' he fidgeted.

'Mind the straps please. I'll send you to someone who can fix that up for you right away.'

I checked the box beside his name indicating that I had seen him and that he hadn't gotten stuck in some gears or something along the way. Then I pushed the big red button. I didn't much care for Mr. Doe.”